Fall In Love, Again

It’s been a rough 3 years, I’ve been misdiagnosed until about 7 months ago. The meds I was taking were actually making my bipolar disorder worse.

I’ve fallen out of love with pretty much everything including myself. I’ve felt so numb for so long that I didn’t care if I ate, got out of bed, or some days even shower.

I’ve worked deeply with my psychiatrist for the past few months to make sure I’m being honest. I want to get better because the shell I’m living in isn’t where I want to be anymore.

I don’t want to take medication but I have no choice, I can’t afford to lose another job, trade-in my 6th brand new car in 6 years, or stay in bed for days at a time.

Fall In Love, Again #mentalhealth #love #art #yoga #running #adventure

I broke things off with the (ex) boyfriend because frankly who wants to live with someone having crying fits, anger issues, financial binges, or a general dislike for themselves?

He’d been my rock all year but in a moment I decided to ruin it and then let it all go. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to be single, the rest of my life.

I may be feeling better with my fine-tuned medications but that only helps keep the vicious animal at bay, they don’t actually cure anything. I could still have an episode any time which can lead to sleepless nights, depression, or mania.

I’d love to find someone down the road maybe but it would have to sweep me off my feet to even be considered getting passed the moated concrete wall I’ve so carefully constructed around my heart, which will not be an easy task. With my luck, it would be a knight riding a donkey who likes Opera music (no offense if you like opera).

 

CEC63AD3-51AE-4990-AAEE-DC3A1B71FE7B


I want to fall in love again with:

Reading – I would read at least 2 books a month and now I have a small stack sitting on my crowded bookshelf just waiting to have a crease in their spines.

Painting – Painting was something new I picked up before the worst transpired. I can’t draw stick people but I can make lines, shapes, and TRY to paint what’s in my mind.

Art – My favorite place is the art museum, I love everything about it. The unique pieces, sculptures made with methodical precision, the smell. That last one may sound a bit odd. There’s an endless pond in two spots on the property where I love to write and shady spots near the pavilion.

Running – I love hearing my feet hit the pavement, although Time has ticked by and I’ve gained weight so it won’t be as easy as those 7 minute miles I use to run.

Fall In Love, Again #mentalhealth #love #art #yoga #running #adventure

Writing – I had a freelance writing business that I let tank. I was doing great because it was paying the bills. Then I’d get into my moods and that stickiness doesn’t keep clients. Now that I’m feeling better I’m going to try my hand to build it once more. In the meantime, I’m going to pour everything into this little space. I’m hoping to monetize later but for now, I’ll be nurturing it.

Adventures – I went to the Tennessee mountains last month and although it was cold, wet, and rainy a friend and I found ourselves by the Chestoa river In the Cherokee National Forest. The water was flowing, the branches we’re dancing, and the sand squished under our feet. I felt the spark light my spirit and I craved more.

Fall In Love, Again #mentalhealth #love #art #yoga #running #adventure

What do you want to fall in love with again?

 

80905DCF-5BC7-47A4-8C2A-395B21563BC7

 

Mood Bored; A Bipolar Story

– This one is a little raw, it’s honesty in the days of my life. This post is one about bipolar disorder and the effects, this post also touches on anxiety and depression. I don’t know if any of these will trigger anyone with a mental illness. –

If you’ve watched TV, Netflix, Hulu, or any other tv or tv app then chances are you’ve seen a bipolar medication commercial, these commercials talk about bipolar’s “extreme highs or lows” meaning  depression, mania, and hypomania.

I’ve spent 5 days in a state of mania and now I’m exhausted. I’ve barely slept, my brain has been firing non stop for the duration, and my emotions were all over the place.

Mood Bored; A Bipolar Story - a recent journey of a diagnosis

What is hard about this disorder is that you don’t know when any of it is going to happen, it could be weeks or it could be months but when it does the only thing you can do is hold on and trust it won’t last forever.
Drowning in bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety

It can be really hard on your family and friends too; canceling plans made well in advance that everyone is excited for, family get togethers, or just hanging out to watch tv or paint.

When the mind decides itself upon something there is no changing it, especially when it’s wired in so deep it can’t be found. I’ve made terrible financial decisions, relationship choices, not looking after my well being, and spending days feeling like I have to read 3 books, write a novel, paint 12 canvases, writer 15 business and 20 personal blog posts, talk to every friend I have for hours, and get my hair & nails done when I’m so confident I could touch the sky.

I’ve also got anxiety which can be brought through the roof sometimes. Large crowds I can’t be in because I’m worried something will happen to me or the ones I love, I’m claustrophobic even in my own clothes because my chest gets so tight I can’t breathe, and bring on the stress that bring on the panic attacks. That’s only to name a few.

See what I mean by just holding on, it’s really all you can do. I’ve picked up a few tools along the way. I’ve learned to still try to be mindful in these episodes and anxieties. It’s definitely not easy but you’ve got to push through to find something to grasp while waiting for the storm to pass.

storm passing bipolar, anxiety, depression

I’ve recently started going to a psychologist which was referred to by my psychiatrist, but I’m not exactly sure how it should go, I’ve only been once. I thought it was just talking about my feelings but I was told to talk about anything that pop up or anything I find during the week before another session to write things down, I’d like to cover.


I’ve had anxiety for most of my life and I’ve been misdiagnosed since I was a teenager, i was being treated for anxiety and depression but nothing was working; if anything it was making it worse. I was a little relieved when I got the bipolar diagnosis because now I know I’m not crazy and all over the place chalking it up to my personality.

Someone who knows where you’re at and what it’s like is always helpful. Other than my psychologist and psychiatrist I’m going at this alone myself. When I try to talk to friends or family members all I get is a “I don’t understand”, which sort of pisses me off in the case with my mother. I talk to her about everything, she’s my best friend yet for this particular subject she won’t take the time to read up on it or ways she could help.

If you too have this disorder and need someone to talk to, I keep conversations confidential but I’m in no way a psychologist but I am a good listener. Send me a message or email and we’ll chat as long as you need to.

 

80905DCF-5BC7-47A4-8C2A-395B21563BC7